Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Happy F'in Birthday

Today is my ex's birthday. Though I have not seen her since a week before she broke up with me (yes, I got a phone breakup - sweet) 17 months ago, spoken to her in 11 months, nor received even an email in the last 9 months, I struggled with the question of whether I should somehow acknowledge the day. I'm the guy who just does things like that. I sent my prior ex (the ex-fiancee) birthday emails up to and including last year, despite the fact that she was engaged (to someone else) with a house and a dog already. It's just me; I'm the nice guy. And I don't do it for recognition, or to make the other person feel bad for not reciprocating. I do it because we're clearly talking about people who I cared for and about quite a bit. And I do it despite the fact that I know no good can come of it; what possible response could I get that doesn't just make me sadder? Perhaps "I-realized-I-made-a-horrible-mistake-a-year-and-a-half-ago-and-I-really-love-you-and-want-to-be-with-you-forever-by-the-way-I-won-$147 million-in-the-interim-so-I-hope-you-don't-mind-moving-to-the-tropical-island-I-just-bought-which-I've-equipped-with-satellite-tv-and-60-inch-flat-screens-all-over-oh-and-I-also-decided-it-was-selfish-of-me-not-to-swallow-when-I-blow-you-so-that-won't-ever-be-a-problem-in-the-future." But that probably doesn't happen often.

This time, though, I made up my mind not to do it. It's 10pm (do you know where your children are?), and I have not yet sent a birthday email. I know that all my friends would advise against it, and sometimes they're right. I didn't think about it too much today, having been tied up in an arbitration hearing for one case and simultaneously finding out that my client was granted summary judgment in another case (go me!, uh, go client!). But now it's down to the wire. I decided that, to purge myself of the birthday wishes lurking inside me before they escape in an email to the ex, I'd preemptively wish a Happy Birthday to some other people. So, here goes:

Happy Birthday Rodney Peete! Give Holly my best.

Happy Birthday Chuck Woolery! Too bad Love Connection isn't on anymore, as I clearly have issues sufficient to make me a perfect contestant.

Happy Birthday Flavor Flav! Man, what the hell happened to you? Be careful with Brigitte - you don't know where she's been.

Happy Birthday Frank Poncherello! Yeah, that's right. My boyhood idol. Nobody, but nobody, square dances and/or roller discos like you! Keep up el trabajo bueno, mi amigo - I'm sure your next big break is right around the corner. Oh no, wait, there's a jackknifed tractor trailer right around the corner. You'll have to do that supercool move where you slide sideways underneath, losing your bike, but coming out with only a few scratches.

You know, it's a good thing I didn't know the ex's birthday was the same day as Erik Estrada's. I might have loved her more.