Andy Griggs Is A Lying Asshole

I was all set to write a long, rambling post about how lonely I am. It was going to be (is) called "Andy Griggs Is A Lying Asshole," because he has a song called "You Won't Ever Be Lonely." Granted, I know he wasn't singing to me, but still.

Thankfully, I came back to my room and checked out the comments to my last post, and Sloth's page and Pup's page, and I wasn't so depressed anymore (let's save for another day the issues presented by the fact that blog comments are sufficient to cheer me up when I'm mired in the depths of feeling sorry for myself).

So I'll give y'all (I can write that word, but can't say it despite my 4 yrs in ATL and my dream of being a Southern boy) the short version. I had dinner alone in the hotel bar. For me, eating alone in public feels like what I imagine a bikini wax does to those of you who get those (Pup?). I am so self-conscious and anxious about being alone in public (sometimes) that even when I'm doing things that it's totally normal to do alone - like shopping, running various errands, etc - I get antsy and feel like I have to get out. I actually sometimes imagine people looking at me and wondering "Why is that guy alone? Doesn't he have a girlfriend/wife?" Totally ridiculous, because shopping alone doesn't mean you ARE alone; for all they know, I'm going home to one or both of the Olsen twins (though I guess that would be hard to believe if I were in the supermarket).

I was thinking about all this, about what the other people in the bar might be thinking about me, the alone eating guy. None of this was helped when the wedding party came and occupied the back of the bar, complete with priest wearing collar, black shirt, shorts and green blazer (perhaps he had just won the Masters, I don't know). I started trying to rationalize eating alone, to explain to the people who were wondering in my head. I'm here on business, even if I had the hottest girlfriend ever at home, who was perfect in every way and loved me like somebody should damnit (is that so wrong?), I'd still be eating alone.

Then, of course, I started thinking about what would be different if I did have that girlfriend. Let's call her Kelly, because that's what I call my imaginary girlfriends. It's a name that I think goes with cute girls and, to the best of my recollection, I've never been involved with someone named that. I imagined going upstairs to my room and calling Kelly. Bullshitting with her about how boring my day was. Talking about how her day was. Telling her how much I missed her and wished she were here with me. Knowing that it made her happy to talk to me. OK, maybe a little phone sex, but that's really really not my point. I miss caring about someone, being cared about, and just having that feeling, you know?

Sloth put in one of her posts last week that she felt like it was a day where it felt good to be single. I haven't had a day like that in a long, long time. Not that I'm sad or depressed every day. Some days I feel good and happy despite being single. But while I know there are negatives and compromises in every relationship with a particular person, I just can't for the life of me think of a reason I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone right now.

Goodnight Kelly. Love you and miss you. Feel like meeting me in Vegas on Friday, baby? I'll get us a jacuzzi suite . . . wait, that's how the last one started!