Get In The Ring MuthaFucka!

So, my last night on Samui. I’m all relaxed from my massage, took a little nap and watched a little TV. How do I end this leg of my journey? Watching some guys kick the shit out of each other, of course. Now, I imagine I’m more familiar with Muay Thai than your average asshole from the US, as Big Al was a big fan (and a hell of a fighter himself I hear) and I went with him to see some matches in NY one time. But nothing prepared me for authentic Muay Thai Lamai style.

Not even the dinner I had first. Really excellent red snapper [pause for comments] with rice and vegetables, beer, and coffee. Grand total: about $5. Unreal. The place I ate was filled with a lot of Euros. Some of whom were discussing the London bombing. Now, I was back chilling in my hotel as the news was first breaking. The only US news channel available was Fox News. Coverage of the bombing aside, MAN – that channel is as disgusting as everyone makes it sound. I’m gonna start watching at home for sheer entertainment value. The anchor named Shepard something has to be the biggest moron on TV, and that’s saying a lot. O’Reilly, who I’ve made fun of plenty without ever really watching him, deserves all my derision and more. Dumbass.

I know covering breaking news is hard, but once you get to the point where you’re interviewing your 27th “terrorism expert,” there’s no excuse for an exchange like this [not verbatim, but damned close]:

Expert: I have to say, the only two groups I think are capable of acts like this would be the IRA and Al Qaeda.

Female Anchor: So you’re saying there’s evidence the two groups are working together on these bombings?

Expert: No, not that I’m aware of.

Anchor: But is it possible that the two groups have joined forces and are responsible for these attacks?

Expert: Obviously we’re still in the early stages, and it’s impossible to know who is responsible.

Anchor: So the groups COULD be working together, and wouldn’t that be a terrifying turn of events and represent a threat nobody is prepared to deal with?

Expert: [Noncommittal comment about the authorities investigating and semi-successful subject change]

I’m surprised they didn’t ask if the IRA and DNC were working together on the bombings. However, I did learn something from watching Fox News: Linda Blair, instead of spewing pea soup, is now spewing some crap about why Pit Bulls are poor misunderstood animals and aren’t really more dangerous than the average dog. OK. You were more appealing when you were masturbating with a crucifix, honey.

So back to Muay Thai. The “stadium” was a big concrete bunker. I opted for the cheapest seating - bleachers on one side of the ring – passing up the “VIP section,” which had ratty pleather Ikea-reject sofas. Some Sk8er Boi-looking dude with long blonde hair sat next to me. He turned out not to be a California dirtbag, but a Swede. Huh! The actual fighting was somewhat entertaining, but disturbing. The fighters in the earlier matches couldn’t have been more than 11 years old. I was pulling for the kid in the kid in the pink and purple trunks in the first match, because hey, he got stuck in the pink and purple trunks. Sure enough, he won by KO in the first round. Hard to get excited about seeing a kid get kicked so hard in the ribs that he can’t get up. The rest of the matches (I stayed for 6 of 8) all went the full 5 rounds. There was some blood, and some serious hits. Glad I went, but I think I’ve decided I’m not a huge boxing fan. When the big guys fight here, you don’t feel so bad. But I guarantee that kid who went down in the first fight didn’t get $4.2 million for losing.

The Muay Thai went late, and I got back to my room about 1. I was a little jumpy from the London stuff, realizing I was pretty much in the middle of nowhere, hadn’t seen a single cop on the Island, and had no way of getting in touch with anyone. Some noise in the middle of the night scared me ¾ to death. I had initially left the curtains open so the sun might wake me up if the hotel people failed to, but then I closed them, because I didn’t feel like advertising a sleeping white dude.

I was up for good around 6. And good thing, because the hotel certainly didn’t send anyone to wake me at 7:30. Though they did send someone to check the minibar at 8:10. Minibar is a funny name for it – they had one of those systems where you insert your room key in a slot so that the TV and lights will go on; when you leave the room, they don’t want to power the TV, lights, and AC. The minibar fridge was hooked into this system as well. So, if you come back to your room, after a long day on the beach, really in need of a cold drink: FUCK YOU! It’s all warm. I guess it makes sense in a place where your room has no clock or phone.

Since I was up, I asked them to take me to the airport early, with hopes of catching an earlier flight to Bangkok. Which I did. Standby was a piece of cake, and I got on the 9:20 rather than the 10:20.

Landed in Bangkok around 10:30 a.m., ready to see if the city was all it’s cracked up to be.

Don’t you wish you knew . . .