Monkey Wasn't Lion

7/2/05
Singapore

Any chance I had of adjusting normally to the time difference is shot to hell.

Wanted to have some good stories/pics from the Tokyo airport, but it was disappointingly un-bizarre. I did take a picture of the menu at one of the airport food stands, just to reassure you all that I did NOT have the fettucine carbonara, but I don't think it came out too well. Too lazy to deal with pics now anyway.

Sat next to a very nice, if not too bright, lady on the NRT to SIN flight. Meeting her Navy husband who's here on leave. It didn't help pass the time. That flight was the longest 7 hours of my life.

But got to Singapore, cruised through customs and immigration (with gum - suckers!), and Monkey was there waiting for me on the other end, cold beer in hand. He even brought one for me! So we drank Tiger tallboys in the airport and in the cab - all perfectly acceptable. I love Asia!

Quick pitstop back at Casa de Monkey, where I resisted the strong urge to take a shower -- it's hot as hell and humid here 24/7/365; my balls would have been sweaty again within minutes anyway -- so we could get out. And man, last night, you could find me in da club. Actually, in a bunch of them, including one called Attica -- I made a joke about going clad in riot gear, but I think it fell on deaf ears. I forced myself to forget that I hate dancing, waiting in line behind velvet ropes, paying exorbitant cover charges, and really crowded loud places, and, as such, I had a good time. We were out until almost 7 am, at which point I found myself chowing down on some of the spiciest pad thai I've ever had. Damn.

Now, what Monkey wasn't lyin ("lion" - get it?) about was that the women here really are hot. They are. I've never had a preference for Asian women; Monkey had to yell at me to "stop looking at the white chicks" like 7 times last night. But there are tons and tons of beautiful Asian women all over the place.

And only 75% of them (based on 2000 census data) are whores.

Seriously. I, LiAps, talked to and, yes, danced with, at least one Vietnamese hooker last night. That's all I did, obviously. When my hooker's friend asked Monkey, "So, are you gonna take me home and give me money?" and he answered in the negative, they were done with us. And my hooker was immediately pressed up against some other white dude in an ugly red shirt. Hey, buddy! That's MY Vietnamese hooker!

At the end of the night, there was another girl, Thai, I believe, with whom Monkey and I started chatting as we were on the way out, grabbing our takeaway food. Before long, she was sitting on my lap, and we were engaged in a time-honored and universal activity: making fun of Monkey for just being himself.

This girl had apparently tried to go home with Monkey one night earlier in the week, and he had declined, citing a "girlfriend," which, in Singaporese, translates to "12-year-old boy" (at least when we're talking about Monkey). Last night, she made it quite clear that she would have been perfectly happy to come home with me. I, too, declined, for a million and a half reasons.

In semi-coherent discussions with Monkey on the way home, I made clear that I am simply not going to pay a strange girl for sex while here in Singapore (or, hopefully, ever, anywhere). He kept saying, "dude, you should have taken her home." I kept saying, "didn't you hear me - I am not going to patronize a prostitute." He kept saying, "no, she wouldn't have wanted your money." Me: "Are you saying that girl was not a whore?" Monkey: "Oh, no, I'm just saying she liked you, so she probably wouldn't have taken your money."

So yes, still glad I did not bring her back to Monkey's place.

We did, however, buy her a pad thai.