Monkey Goes Down In The Backfield

So I, like a good boy, went to bed around 1:30. Monkey stumbled in around 4. Mumbling something (you must understand - even when sober, Monkey mumbles; he's impossible to comprehend) about having met a girl at Subway. Yes, Subway. There was one right down the block from our hotel. He stopped for a late night sandwich and met a girl. I said "uh huh." Then he said, "Yeah. I gave her our hotel room number, so she might call later."

OK. 1. It's 4 am. When is later? 2. YOU GAVE THE GIRL, A STRANGER YOU MET AT SUBWAY IN BANGKOK, OUR ROOM NUMBER? Traveling with Monkey - you can't beat it. My first question was answered not too long after, as the phone rang at 6:30: "Monkey?" "No. Hold on." And that's when he invited the Subway girl up to our room. At 6:30 am.

Now, our hotel room had 2 single beds. Single, not double. They were approximately 8 inches apart. I knew that I had to do my best freshman roommate impersonation, pretending to be asleep. This was exceedingly difficult, in light of the noises coming from the bed right next to me. RIGHT next to me. I hid my head under my pillow for several hours. But around 9:30, I knew I wasn't gonna sleep anymore (at least not without horrifying nightmares), and knew I had to get out of there soon. So I got up, and said good morning to Monkey and his new friend. They awoke too. And I got a good look at Monkey's prize. I don't mean to be unduly harsh here. But, from the moment I saw this girl, it was decided that she would forever be known as "Junior." Because, if you were to ask me what she looked like, the best way I could describe it to you would be to say she looked pretty much . . . exactly . . . like . . . wait for it. . . Junior Seau (and, just to be clear, that's the one on the left in that picture).

I believe Monkey got a good look at Junior as well (perhaps his first), because once I said I was gonna shower and get going, he said "yeah, me too," and got ready to go right quick (as opposed to what happened the next morning). So, the 3 of us walked out together, Junior making some comment about how Monkey should buy her a papaya salad for breakfast (after all, unlike the girl in Singapore, Junior got no cheese omelette). But her suggestion came to naught, as we parted ways, Monkey and I to have breakfast, and Junior to do God knows what, because how do you follow a night with Monkey?

Over breakfast, Monkey told me that he did not have sex with Junior, as he didn't have a condom. I was very proud of Monkey. Of course, even if I found myself on the Trojan factory floor, putting any part of my body into any part of Junior's body would not have crossed my mind. To his credit, he also acknowledged that Junior was not particularly attractive, "but I was wasted." All's well that ends well, I guess.

For my part, I was OK once I managed to dismiss the unfounded idea that Junior might have used my toothbrush while in the hotel bathroom.