They Better Get This Bitch Into Witness Protection, Stat

It's a good bet that, if you knew me between August 2002 and October 2003, you've heard me bitch about Julie, the automated Amtrak reservations voice. I shlepped myself back and forth between NY and DC several times a month during that period, more often than not on the train. I don't think there was a single time I called up to get schedule information where Julie and I communicated successfully without me having to scream repeatedly into the phone things like "NO" (in response to the question "Did I get that right?") or "NEW YORK" (after Julie tried to make me choose between Newark, NJ and Newark, DE). Most times, I ended up spitting out, through gritted teeth, the word "REPRESENTATIVE" and waiting too long to talk to a human being who I figured had a fighting chance of understanding me. You would think I was Anna Nicole Smith, judging from Julie's utter lack of comprehension. How many times have I said, in reference to Julie, "I fucking hate that bitch?" Lots, man. Lots.

Turns out, she's a real person! Actually named Julie, no less! And according to the article, customers are 90% satisfied with her. You've got to be fucking kidding me. All I know is, now I know what she looks like. And if I ever hear "OK, Got it!" in that bubbly voice, and turn to see that smug pasty white face and red 1980s bangs, Julie's gonna wish SHE was on the next train to Newark, DE. And that's a promise.