Tuesday, March 29, 2005

We Almost Had Her!

Apparently, killer nanny Louise Woodward has given up on her dream of being a lawyer. Why? "to teach salsa dance classes with her boyfriend Richard Colley," of course.

Strange choice. I'm not saying infant murder should be a prerequisite to admission to the bar . . . but it couldn't hoit!!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Now I've Seen It All

This, like much you can find on the internet, would be funny, but for the fact that it's apparently real. The group's initial mission: " educating the Jewish community about the historical evils that Jews have suffered when they have been disarmed." Because, you know, the Nazis were able to get that whole concentration camp thing accomplished only after shrewdly offering all the rabbis of Eastern Europe above-market value for the assault rifles that they kept up on the bimah in accordance with ancient Jewish tradition. Good news for all the goyim out there though - "JPFO has always welcomed persons of all religious beliefs who share a common goal of opposing and reversing victim disarmament policies while advancing liberty for all."

Just in case this group no longer exists when I have little Semitic Soldiers of my own, I'm pre-ordering several copies of the "Gran'pa Jack" series pamphlet "'Gun Control' Kills Kids." In fact, I'm gonna order 100 copies and start handing them out at every bris I go to. Which, by the way, I hope is none.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Excuse Me, Haarvaaard.

Apparently, some jackasses with ivy wrapped too tightly around their brains are up in arms about a dorm cleaning service started at the Big H on the theory that allowing students to use it would represent "an obvious display of wealth that would establish a perceived, if unspoken, barrier between students of different economic means."

I could rant on about this, because it's ridiculous. Are they seriously saying that students who desire to and can afford to hire a cleaning service shouldn't be allowed to because it might make other students feel bad? Should they also not be allowed to eat at nice restaurants? Should all Harvard students be required to dress in identical burlap potato sacks? Are you fucking kidding me?

Having gone to college at a place where the "displays of wealth" often bordered on the obscene (e.g., the Hummer often parked diagonally across the front lawn of a fraternity house) and where a substantial minority -- if not a borderline majority -- of students subscribed to the motto "Nothing Exceeds Like Excess" (Jesus - I do sound more like my dad every day), I say fuck you. The people whining about this are no doubt the same people who yell about needing to promote diversity and multiculturalism and tolerance -- all good things, mind you. But like it or not, if you want to be surrounded by people from diverse backgrounds to enhance your learning experience, some of those people are going to be rich kids. Can't you be satisfied with resenting and/or mocking them, as generations before you have?

Sloth - what the fuck is going on up there?

Sunday, March 20, 2005

You Know You're Going To Hell When

you, totally without thinking (obviously), use a Schindler's List reference in a work email to two junior associates, one of whom is an Orthodox Jew.

Aside from that, all I have to say is SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Happy F'in Birthday

Today is my ex's birthday. Though I have not seen her since a week before she broke up with me (yes, I got a phone breakup - sweet) 17 months ago, spoken to her in 11 months, nor received even an email in the last 9 months, I struggled with the question of whether I should somehow acknowledge the day. I'm the guy who just does things like that. I sent my prior ex (the ex-fiancee) birthday emails up to and including last year, despite the fact that she was engaged (to someone else) with a house and a dog already. It's just me; I'm the nice guy. And I don't do it for recognition, or to make the other person feel bad for not reciprocating. I do it because we're clearly talking about people who I cared for and about quite a bit. And I do it despite the fact that I know no good can come of it; what possible response could I get that doesn't just make me sadder? Perhaps "I-realized-I-made-a-horrible-mistake-a-year-and-a-half-ago-and-I-really-love-you-and-want-to-be-with-you-forever-by-the-way-I-won-$147 million-in-the-interim-so-I-hope-you-don't-mind-moving-to-the-tropical-island-I-just-bought-which-I've-equipped-with-satellite-tv-and-60-inch-flat-screens-all-over-oh-and-I-also-decided-it-was-selfish-of-me-not-to-swallow-when-I-blow-you-so-that-won't-ever-be-a-problem-in-the-future." But that probably doesn't happen often.

This time, though, I made up my mind not to do it. It's 10pm (do you know where your children are?), and I have not yet sent a birthday email. I know that all my friends would advise against it, and sometimes they're right. I didn't think about it too much today, having been tied up in an arbitration hearing for one case and simultaneously finding out that my client was granted summary judgment in another case (go me!, uh, go client!). But now it's down to the wire. I decided that, to purge myself of the birthday wishes lurking inside me before they escape in an email to the ex, I'd preemptively wish a Happy Birthday to some other people. So, here goes:

Happy Birthday Rodney Peete! Give Holly my best.

Happy Birthday Chuck Woolery! Too bad Love Connection isn't on anymore, as I clearly have issues sufficient to make me a perfect contestant.

Happy Birthday Flavor Flav! Man, what the hell happened to you? Be careful with Brigitte - you don't know where she's been.

Happy Birthday Frank Poncherello! Yeah, that's right. My boyhood idol. Nobody, but nobody, square dances and/or roller discos like you! Keep up el trabajo bueno, mi amigo - I'm sure your next big break is right around the corner. Oh no, wait, there's a jackknifed tractor trailer right around the corner. You'll have to do that supercool move where you slide sideways underneath, losing your bike, but coming out with only a few scratches.

You know, it's a good thing I didn't know the ex's birthday was the same day as Erik Estrada's. I might have loved her more.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

What Makes Me Angry?

This. I have no standing to spout all kind of righteous indignation. I'm not a journalist, and am no expert on journalistic ethics. I do consider myself an authority on common sense, however (even if I don't always exercise it perfectly). And if you've ever wrapped a last minute birthday present with newspaper (Happy Birthday Mom!), you know enough about journalism that you couldn't possibly think it's OK to use prepackaged segments produced by the government and label them "news."

And what's the best some of the people who distribute these things to local affiliates could come up with:

"We look at them and determine whether we want them to be on the feed," David M. Winstrom, director of Fox News Edge, said of video news releases. "If I got one that said tobacco cures cancer or something like that, I would kill it."

Wow. That's some hardcore fact-checking there, Dave. Thanks. Fucking morons (I actually typed "Fucking mormons" by accident first. Perhaps if I have someone with a fake reporterish name and a camcorder go to Salt Lake City, we can find some way to blame them for this debacle).


Sunday, March 06, 2005

I Swear, I Didn't Go Looking For This

But having come across it inadvertently, I had to share it. Blogland, I present you with a photo that combines two of my greatest loves. That's right - Waffle House and Porn. Two great tastes, well, you know.

Hang on! Is Blogger censoring my posts? Can I not post a picture of a pantyless woman sitting on a Waffle House table??? That is ridonkulous! The pic shows up for a second, but then disapears. SO wrong. I'm gonna write a letter to someone.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

I'm an Animal Lover

but this is hilarious.

I want to promise a real post soon, but I'm sick and have a ton of work to do. Which didn't stop me from coming home and watching A Clockwork Orange tonight. Never seen it before, and never need to again. Am I missing something? Do I need to be under the influence of a drug other than sudafed to really get the movie? I'm no expert, but if I'm stranded on a desert island, and I can only take one Kubrick film with me, we all know which one it's gonna be:

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Almost My Birthday . . .

well, not really. But if anyone's looking to get me a St. Patty's Day gift, may I suggest the following:

Stripper Selling Infamous Breast Implant on EBay
1 hour, 19 minutes ago

Oddly Enough - Reuters
MIAMI (Reuters) - A former topless dancer who was famously cleared of battering a Florida nightclub patron with her "crazy big" breasts has shed her oversized silicone implants and put one of them up for auction on eBay.

The woman known professionally as Tawny Peaks said on Wednesday she recently came across the implants in a box in her closet after watching a television discussion about crazy things sold on eBay and decided, "Why not ... I don't need it any more."
"Somebody might bid on it. It's like the first boob to be sued over in a lawsuit," she said.
Peaks said she would autograph the auctioned implant for the winner but would keep its mate "for good measure."

She explained that she had her size 69-HH implants removed and underwent breast reduction surgery in 1999 after retiring from the business to start a new life.

"They were like really big, crazy big," said Peaks, who described herself as a happily married homemaker and mother of three now living in the Detroit area.

Peaks won notoriety in 1998 when a man sued her and her employer, the Diamond Dolls nightclub in Clearwater, Florida, saying he suffered a whiplash injury when she swung her breasts into his face at a bachelor party. He said they were "like two cement blocks."
The parties accepted binding arbitration on "The People's Court" television show and the judge, former New York City Mayor Ed Koch, ordered a female bailiff to examine Peaks in private.
The bailiff found the breasts to be "soft" and to weigh about 2 pounds (0.9 kg) each. Koch ruled they were not dangerous and refused to award damages.

The implant auction ends on Saturday. So far Peaks has received 10 bids, topping out at $71, according to the eBay Web site.

I'd be REALLY excited if you could get Koch to autograph it as well. Thanks.