Friday, April 29, 2005

There's Hope For This Country Yet!

Someone from the Department of Homeland Security found this site by running a search for Linda Canada. I would absolutely support her appointment as Director of the Office of State and Local Government Coordination. Even 16 years later, she's probably a lot hotter than the current guy.

Good weekend blah blah.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

How Could You??

Seriously. I'm shocked, stunned, flabbergasted even.

I really almost don't believe you could do this to me. I say "almost," because I do believe it now. I have no choice. It was staring me right in the face this morning, and there's no denying it.

I don't want to believe it. Don't want to believe that you could let things get to this stage. Don't want to believe that everything I took for granted -- that you would shelter me, protect me -- was just so much wishful thinking.

Maybe I was blissfully ignorant; I've been accused of being in my own world. Others knew, others saw it, and I just had my head in the sand.

But it hit me square in the jaw on the subway, out of the blue.

And I have to face it. Though it hurts me, though had you asked me about it a week ago I would have steadfastly denied it, unable to fathom that you could let me down so, it's true, and it's too late to change it.

I don't generally take much solace in the pity or sympathy of others. But if you weep for me today, you weep for the world.

Because though I may have been the one blindsided this morning, it could just as easily have been you. Or anyone else.

Sometimes the very foundations of our beings, the basic tenets of our ways of life, are shaken (and/or stirred).

I thought you would keep me safe, but reality caught up with me on the delayed 5 train this morning. You didn't keep me safe.

And now I -- all of us -- have to take it.

How could you let this happen?

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Put Me In My Place

Stealing a page from the lovely Julie, I have submitted myself to The Weblog Review, because there's nothing I like more than criticism from a bunch of strangers. Seriously, I am curious what someone who undoubtedly has read a whole lot more blogs than me thinks of the inane garbage that I post here. I will say this, oh beneficent reviewer: I sincerely hope you'll go back a ways in the archives, where I think some of my better stuff resides. I'm not, unlike Julie, gonna make a whole bunch of template changes. Primarily because, uh, I don't really know how.

I'm not really an attention hog (though I am, just by nature of my being me, the life of the party), and I must say, the result of the review will not make or break me. As long as people who run searches for "blog going pantyless" and "breast implants horrible mistake" are satisfied with my product, then I consider myself to be doing God's work.

So bring it on, TWR. I can take it.

Monday, April 25, 2005


1) In an effort to gather as much information as possible on the Deputy Linda Canada wedding dress episode of COPS, and disseminate that information to the public, I have commanded my new [DON'T CALL IT TiVO!] DVR to record every episode that airs on every channel until further notice. In 2 days, I already have about 8 hours of COPS-y goodness stored up. On a quick glance, none of the episodes is one of the early Broward County ones, but that won't stop me from watching them. HUH Bad Boys!

2) It's official. Nothing is sacred anymore. I just saw a California tourism commercial, which, in addition to being ridiculous simply because it starts with the Governator and Mrs. Governator walking on the beach a la Tom Kean ("Kahl-ee-for-nee-uh und you - Perrfecht To-geh-zehr"), features Jack Nicholson shamelessly exploiting one of the key phrases from the greatest movie of all time (OK, THAT's not the greatest movie of all time, but it's pretty fucking funny).

3) Oh my god. The Rodeo comes to NY this weekend. I'm not gonna go. Not gonna go. Not gonna go. But wow, I should.

Where are 4 out of 5 Dentists When You Need Them?

OK, here's the deal. Whatever geniuses designed the bathroom in my new apartment were clearly British. I have a pedestal sink . A minor issue I have with this results from the lack of undersink storage space; though I have a linen closet outside the bathroom, keeping the spare rolls of tp out there means that you all should start a pool on how long it'll be before I have to do the infamous pants-around-ankles waddle to get a new roll after already having sat down and released the hounds.

My bigger issue is this: between the sink and the medicine cabinet is a single glass shelf, presumably where one would keep all the things one normally keeps near the sink - soap, toothpaste, toothbrush. BUT, the shelf is placed at the perfect level so that there isn't enough vertical clearance for a toothbrush to sit in a toothbrush holder. Can't fit between sink and shelf, can't fit between shelf and medicine cabinet. No place to keep my toothbrush.

"But LiAps, can't you keep it on top of the toilet tank next to the sink?"
"No, I'm not keeping my toothbrush on the toilet. That's just nasty."

"But LiAps, don't they make some sort of horizontal toothbrush holder, which holds a toothbrush diagonally, with one end higher than the other to facilitate proper drying and prevent that nasty mold?"
"No, apparently they don't, as my trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and my Googling 'Horizontal Toothbrush Holder' have proven."

I've decided my only viable option is to get one of those suction cup-based toothbrush holders and mount it on the marble wall next to the sink. There are a couple of problems with that though. 1) If the toothbrush falls out of the holder, or the holder de-suctions and falls off the wall, toothbrush hits floor. If toothbrush hits floor, it doesn't go into LiAps's mouth again. I'd probably end up getting a new toothbrush weekly, and good toothbrushes are expensive. 2) All of these suction cup toothbrush holders are marketed as being for the express purpose of "sav[ing] time by brushing teeth in the shower!" I have long been of the opinion that shower brushing is so very wrong, and I do not wish to validate the concept by spending my money on a product designed for such an activity.

Suggestion box is open. I can only last so much longer with the toothbrush balanced precariously on the shelf so that the brush part overhangs the sink without allowing the part of the shaft that may come in contact with my teeth, gums, or tongue, to touch the glass.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Time Flies

I have been a fan of COPS for as long as the show has been on the air. I remember like it was yesterday the first season, where it was all Broward County, all the time. How heartbroken I was when deputy Linda Canada -- a hottie by any standards, but especially when you consider she was strapped -- married another deputy, whose name I believe was Mike something or other. While the wedding wasn't on air (Fox hadn't yet pioneered the "Who Wants to Marry a [fill in the blank]" concept), we did get to see Deputy Canada try on her wedding dress. She looked beautiful. [Side note here - I'm a bit disturbed that I was unable to find reference to the Linda Canada wedding in a few minutes of web searching. Does no one else think this was a noteworthy event?]

Anyway, I was watching an old episode yesterday, and -- are you sitting down? -- John Bunnell was a mere Sergeant with the Multnomah County Sheriff's Office (you MUST look at the "Faces of Meth" feature on this page. Awesome!). As you all know, he rose through the ranks to become Sheriff, for a grand total of 6 months, before realizing that he could make a lot more money hosting the ever-popular (and always airing on some channel somewhere) "World's Wildest Police Videos/Chases/Maulings/Rapes/Valedictory Addresses" franchise. It clearly paid off for Bunnell, as he has reached the pinnacle of fame, having had a drinking game dedicated to him.

But I digress. Often. My point was that this episode of COPS was from 1989. SIXTEEN YEARS AGO! I'm old. Really, really old.

Friday, April 15, 2005

I'm Gonna Be That Guy

If the NL playoffs started now, the matchups would be Milwaukee v. Arizona and Washington v. LA (the Dodgers, not the Angels, nor the Rams or the Raiders for that matter). Who loves baseball??

In any event, I managed to get offered what I'm told is a front row ticket on the 3d base line for tonight's Mets v. Marlins game. All together now: "LET'S GO METS!!"

Have a good weekend.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Does Anybody have Encyclopedia Brown's Email Address?

Because I need his services bad. I'm in the process of packing up my apartment, in anticipation of moving next week. I have a fair amount of crap for a single guy in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment. So it's not like there truly was a "place for everything" so that I could ensure that "everything was always in its place." Somehow, apparently, my big cd-holder-book-thingy disappeared. Now, I don't know exactly when it went missing, because I haven't used a cd in quite some time, since I uploaded everything onto my laptop to then download onto the ipod. But we're talking about one of those big black nylon cd-albums that holds 100 cds. And I think I may have had some doubled up. So over 100 cds of mine are missing. That's not OK.

It should be in one of 2 places - the bedroom, where my little boom box stereo and my computer are, or the living room, where my big stereo and entertainment center/storage unit are. And, besides the bathroom and the kitchen, those really are the ONLY TWO PLACES IN MY APARTMENT. It ain't there. I have not yet moved every single item in every single corner of my apartment to look, but I do believe I've looked anywhere it could fit. I have not found it.

Where could it have gone? As ridiculous as it sounds, if it isn't in my apartment, I really have to believe somebody stole it. Which is disturbing, because the only people who have access to my apartment are people who work for the building and my housekeeper. Now, the leasing office has been showing my apartment to people during the day for the past month or so. But I can't believe anybody would steal something from an apartment they were looking at as potential renters. Can I? And my housekeeper, well, truth be told, the thought of her stealing stuff from my apartment has crossed my mind before. I've even suspected that she was doing it, based on nothing more than a strange feeling; this is the first thing that I've noticed missing. But why would she take that, of all things?

I called my sister last night, to make sure that I didn't let her borrow all my cds, as I remembered we had a conversation some time ago about swapping music to put on our respective pods. Nope. She doesn't have them. I guess it's theoretically possible that I let someone else borrow my whole collection and forgot, but I don't think so.

What should I do? Can I actually call the woman from the leasing office and ask her if she noticed anyone stealing my stuff while checking out my apartment? Do I call my housekeeper and accuse her? First, obviously, I need to be entirely positive the cds are not in my apartment. But then what? Now, I've downloaded some of my favorite songs from each cd to the pod, and I can, I know, burn my own cds from that, but I certainly haven't downloaded all of every one. And damnit, those are mine!

I'm going to do a little detective work of my own, and check out the flea markets in my neighborhood on Saturday or Sunday, where there's always a few guys who have cds, sans jewel cases, being sold out of big nylon 100-cd holders JUST LIKE MINE. Man, if one of them contains the Prince "Hits 1" cd with my sophomore year suitemate's initials written on it in Sharpie (which I stole from him, inadvertently, I swear!), somebody's going down.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Know What's Funny?


Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Viva Mexico!!!!

I am going to be in Atlanta this weekend, and it is going to take all my willpower not to purchase a Falcons Jersey, number 7, and have the name "Mexico" embroidered on the back.

And I thought I was being clever when I used the alias "Steve Lithuania" at the free clinic.

Now, who wants to wager on the next lawsuit . . .

Friday, April 01, 2005

Public Service

I've thought about taking down the blog before. After the disclosure to the parents incident and just because sometimes I think this really isn't a me thing to do, I don't have time to write anything worthwhile, etc. etc.

But, every time I think that way, I remember all the good that can be served by having LiAps - It's On available to the people. I'm here to educate and inform. So, to whomever it was that found me by doing an AOL search for "mens room urinal skirt," I hope you got all the information you sought. No need to thank me. It's just what I do.