Sunday, November 28, 2004

This Was The Pic I Tried To Post

It's from our hiking expedition outside Vegas in August. When we were met with the biblical hailstorm. I wanna go back. Now.

Random Picture, Random Thoughts

There was a picture here, but it keeps disappearing every time I type text. So, thoughts nonetheless:

1) Book Recommendation - How I Left the Great State of Tennessee and Went On to Better Things, by Joe Jackson. Purchased for $1.99, brand new, at The Strand Annex downtown by my office. One of the best buys ever. You can get a lot of crap that way, but this one worked out.

2) You know it's getting bad when you find yourself watching TV and saying, "Man, she's hot. I'd totally bang her." About the chick in the genital herpes commercial.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

MonkeyFest 2004

A good time was had by all.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

They Better Get This Bitch Into Witness Protection, Stat

It's a good bet that, if you knew me between August 2002 and October 2003, you've heard me bitch about Julie, the automated Amtrak reservations voice. I shlepped myself back and forth between NY and DC several times a month during that period, more often than not on the train. I don't think there was a single time I called up to get schedule information where Julie and I communicated successfully without me having to scream repeatedly into the phone things like "NO" (in response to the question "Did I get that right?") or "NEW YORK" (after Julie tried to make me choose between Newark, NJ and Newark, DE). Most times, I ended up spitting out, through gritted teeth, the word "REPRESENTATIVE" and waiting too long to talk to a human being who I figured had a fighting chance of understanding me. You would think I was Anna Nicole Smith, judging from Julie's utter lack of comprehension. How many times have I said, in reference to Julie, "I fucking hate that bitch?" Lots, man. Lots.

Turns out, she's a real person! Actually named Julie, no less! And according to the article, customers are 90% satisfied with her. You've got to be fucking kidding me. All I know is, now I know what she looks like. And if I ever hear "OK, Got it!" in that bubbly voice, and turn to see that smug pasty white face and red 1980s bangs, Julie's gonna wish SHE was on the next train to Newark, DE. And that's a promise.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

I'll Take a Grande Skim No-Whip Crunk Juice

Soon, we'll all be saying that. And, if there's any cosmic justice, the teenager behind the counter (the barrizzista?) will reply, "WHAAATTTT?" Then, we'll say it again, and she'll say "OKAAAAYYYYY!"

Article that inspired this "Deep Thought" can be found here.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

What a Difference the Daylight Makes

Oh, man. Had Date 2 with Blind Date Girl this afternoon. We went to the museum and saw the subway photography exhibits, which were really cool. Here's the thing. She's just . . . not . . . cute. First time we hung out, it was in a very dark bar. Apparently, darker even than I remembered. I'm totally not attracted to her - she's a Butterface in the grand tradition of the Howard Stern show. Not a damn thing wrong with her body, except for what sits atop it. How could I have let this happen? And more importantly, what do I do now - just stop calling and emailing? I get a week or so off because of Thanksgiving, but after that, I'll need a plan. Maybe I should call girl # 2, who I've been ignoring for a few weeks. She wasn't really attractive either, but I could definitely get some from her.

Suggestion box is open.

Saturday, November 20, 2004


Here it is. HaloScan. For you, Sloth and Julie. And nobody even had to say "comply."

Friday, November 19, 2004

You Want Answers???

I think you're entitled to answers. Here goes:

Sloth said...
when, oh when, are you going to get haloscan?

Uh, soon.

Kate the Peon said...
Haha, I made it! What is your dream job that you drool about? Why do you stay in your current job (Feb bonus rings a bell, but seriously)? What's your ideal chic? Favorite memory? Nicknames?

Dream job (and laugh if you want, but those who know me have been hearing me say this forever) - Sheriff of a small town somewhere in the south or west;
Why am I here - "Why are you here? Why are any of us here? I think it was Jean Paul Sartre who once said . . . How do you spell Sartre?" (name the movie for bonus points). Seriously - I'm certainly sticking around for bonus at this point, but in a larger sense, I stay at this job because it's the only real one I've ever had, I have every reason to believe I'm good at it, I'm not really trained to do anything else, it pays well, and I fear change like a muthafucka;
Ideal Chic (I'll assume you meant ideal chicK, because frankly, I can't answer the other one) - very tough to say. Physically, I don't really have a type. I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to, and it's not always consistent. Personality wise, it's gonna sound like a cliche, but I want a caring, intelligent person. Sense of humor is an absolute must - that includes being funny and, most importantly, recognizing how fucking hilarious I am.
Favorite memory - that one's really tough. I've had a lot of good times in my life, but my memory of specific events/places/times etc. isn't so good (just ask "Anonymous"). Because I'm currently single, a lot of my good memories - times I recall being someplace with someone and being totally content and feeling like all was right with the world - kinda make me sad right now. How depressing.
Nicknames - well, other than LiAps, which has stuck with me for quite some time now, the only thing that comes to mind right now is when I was a kid in camp and some other kids used to call me "E=MC2." I wish I could say it was because I had a big Einstein Afro, but truth is it was just because I was, clearly, kind of a nerd. But I got my revenge. 6 times I believe.

Julie said...
Hmmm. I second Sloth's question. But also:Why do you live in New York? What color is your parachute? Where do you place yourself on Linus's Sexual Spectrum? And can you describe yourself in three words?There, that should keep you busy.

Why NY - Family and most of friends here, job here, and the aforementioned fear of change. I'm building up the courage though. I really really need a car, house, and dog.
Parachute - shit, if I'm jumping out of a plane, the last thing I'm concerned about is the color of the parachute.
Linus's Spectrum - as I posted in a comment there, I'm about a 0.2. The reason why is an entertaining story, which you should go there to read, since I ain't typing it again.
Can I describe myself in 3 words? No I can't. (Ha!)

Anonymous said...
why are you so attached to your couch and COPS and what is it about doing push-ups and sit-ups that causes you to push people away? :)

My couch is comfortable, COPS is a great show, push-ups and sit-ups are hard, and screw you "Anonymous." Just remember - you had it and gave it away; no wonder you don't want to admit who you are! ;<}

Kim said...
ok, when I post that it makes five readers. Dude, I check your blog every day... you're usually too busy to post. Did you clean up your office? Did the client call that you were waiting on? What color tie are you wearing today?

Clean office - started to, then gave up and sat here doing little to nothing;
Client - yes, we finally spoke at 6:15 last night. Of course, I have a call in to him today too, we'll see how that goes;
Tie - NONE, yesterday or today. I generally only wear one if I have a meeting with a client or have to go to court.

Aimee said...
I know I'm a little late, but I'm asking anyway--do you need a good contract adminstrator/paralegal/hummer? I hate my job, but I'd love to work for you! ;)

Do we need good paralegals here - absolutely! Some of them leave a lot to be desired. Although, I, uh, can't complain about the hummers they give. That said, I could definitely use one now (see below).

Big Pinz said...
Speaking as a longtime FoLA (Friend of LiAps), I can state with great confidence that he could use a good hummer.

Yes. Big Pinz is right. It's been far too long.

Thanks for playing everybody. Have a good weekend!

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Urgent Cry For Help

OK, people. I'll still answer your damn questions (as of now, shouldn't be too hard, should it?), but I also need to reach out to you here. Date 2 with blind date girl has, because of various conflicts and busy schedules of 2 hip young NYers, been scheduled for Sunday. She had something last night, I had something tonight, we both had something tomorrow, she had something Saturday (so she's already 1 plan cooler than me). So we just talked and figured we should choose between Sunday and Monday. Knowing I could easily get slammed at work Monday, and that I likely have to be in court Tuesday morning, I said Sunday would probably be better. I was thinking, "Cool, I'll watch some football during the day, get my shit together, then go out and grab some drinks with BDG (and, of course, show her the naked baby pictures I have of her)." The conversation:

L: Yeah, Sunday is probably better.

BDG: OK, cool, Sunday works for me too. Oh, but I am going to the Knick game that night.

WTF? Now I'm stuck with a daytime date for which I'll clearly have to miss football. Worse still, the weather is supposed to be shitty, so it can't even be a wandering around just walking the city daytime date, which are my favorite kind (regardless of whether anyone joins me or not). What do I suggest as an indoor Sunday daytime date activity?? You don't do movies with someone you don't really know, right, because there's no small talk chit-chat opportunity. We're not gonna go to a bar and have drinks (or watch the football games, god forbid). Do I suggest a museum? Or is that boring and pretentious sounding? There are some subway photography exhibits at the Museum of the City of NY that I would dig checking out. Why haven't I ever learned how to do this??

So, Here I am

sitting at my desk, reading last week's New York Magazine (that I'm only one week behind should tell you all that I'm not as crazed at work as I usually am). There was an article that was largely about one of the firm's biggest clients, and one I do a fair amount of work for, that I wanted to finish. I finished it. While there is (as always) plenty of work I could be doing right now, I realy don't have any pressing deadlines. I'm waiting on a call from a client, waiting on juniors to report back to me on some document review. I should clean up my office, which is a nightmare. Instead - because I don't anticipate having a whole lot more to do tomorrow, and because I get a maximum of like 3 people reading this every day anyway, most of whom know me, I am, belatedly, joining the "ask me questions" crew. Any questions received by midnight eastern tonight will be answered tomorrow (unless work blows up, in which case, I'll get to them over the weekend). Feel free to be serious, silly, personal, or all 3, but recognize that the answers you get may be the same. And somebody post something interesting for me to read this morning. Nobody can hope to live up to Cybele's Kiosk Extravaganza, but don't let that stop you from trying.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Un-Serious Post

For those of you expressing concern in response to my last post, thanks. And calm the fuck down. When I said "serious," I didn't mean anything like "just had my left leg amputated below the knee" serious, just serious like long and about more than the banal bullshit I encounter every day. For instance:

I was just downstairs in my building, having run out and grabbed lunch (and exchanged my winning MegaMillions ticket from last night for $2 worth of tickets for tonight's Lotto drawing; yes, "winning" is relative), and as I was waiting for the elevator, some guy who was also waiting for the elevator was walking circles around me. Literally - not just pacing back and forth, which I understand (elevator impatience gets us all), but making wide circles, passing in front of each of the 4 elevator doors, with me in the middle. It was strange, and I was kind of hoping somebody else got on the elevator with us, so I wasn't alone with him. No such luck. But I got off at 20, and I assume he got to 25 without incident.


Sunday, November 14, 2004

Fucking Furious

I just started writing a serious post, one that was going to take forever to complete, and be unlike just about anything I've put up here before. I was 2 long paragraphs into it and it disappeared. Things are getting all fucked up when I try to type - the cursor jumps all over the place, and some crazy shit is happening with my computer. I don't think it's blogger; I think when my laptop got attacked by viruses and spyware last week, it got realy jacked up. I'm angry, and now I'm back to procrastinating on my serious post. Which is fitting because I kind of feel like I'm procrastinating implementing the rest of my life generally. In any event, fuck Sony, Time Warner, and anyone else who might be responsible for my computer problems.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Can't Live With 'Em -- UPDATED

Why are guys better than women?? Because, in the following "based on a true story" vignette, if my friend/former co-worker were male, rather than female, this story could potentially have a happy ending. I'd bet against it, but at least it would be possible:

Friday night I met a friend/former co-worker for drinks. We were pretty friendly when she worked here, but she left to go to law school, ALA (that's "Against Liaps's Advice"). Met up with her as well as a couple of my friends (who haven't commented here in a while, but may read this. Luckily, they have nothing to do with the story. Oh, except the part where I make fun of them for going home ridiculously early like they ALWAYS DO! So let's just call them . . . I don't know - "The Mant" and his girlfriend "BFL.") So they left, I was hanging out with my used-to-be-from-work friend. Another friend of mine who happens to be The Mant's brother ("Bear" or "Turtle" depending on who you ask) then met up as well, but he's also irrelevant. As it happened, a whole bunch of people with whom the former co-worker went to college happened to be at the same bar. One of whom actually came over and sat with us for a while. And she was hot. Or I was drunker than I thought. But even if not hot, she was at least cute, and seemed nice and friendly. At worst, she was a LiAps special (a girl I'm very attracted to even though I know a lot of other people wouldn't think she meets my rigorous standards). We chatted a bit, but she was obviously more focused on catching up with my co-worker friend. She went back to her group, and me, ex-co-worker, and Bear left to go to another bar to meet up with some more of ex-co-worker's friends. I had every intention of saying to ex-co-worker at some point, "Hey, what's the deal with your friend?" Except, at the next bar, and the bar after that, I ended up spending a fair amount of time talking to one of ex-co-worker's other friends, who, while very nice and fun, didn't quite do it for me. Why, then, you might ask, did we exchange phone numbers?? And why, then, did I agree to take a ride out to her country house in New Jersey with her the very next day?? And why, then, when I called her to bail on that ride, using the very legitimate and true excuse that my grandmother was coming into the city for dinner and I hadn't seen her in 3 months, did I say, "But I'll call you during the week and we'll figure something out??" The alcohol, perhaps??

See, if ex-co-worker were a guy, I could say, "Yeah, I know I took the number of friend 2, and she seemed nice, but I really want to find out the deal with friend 1." Can't do that with a girl, can I? That would make me a dick. So now I'm gonna have to shoot some noncommittal email to friend 2, because I said I would. You think if I hang out with friend 2 one time and everyone agrees it went poorly, I can go back and try to start over with friend 1? Do you all see now why I'm a horrible, horrible dater??

Speaking of which, blind date last night - friend of a friend of a friend. The following topics were discussed: how much my job sucks and how she leaves hers at 5 every day and has every other Friday off; my worst sports gambling loss of all time (fucking Vancouver Grizzlies!); how every NCAA tournament pool I've ever been in is invariably won by "some girl who, no offense, really doesn't know the first thing about the game;" and my parents' recent remarriage after 15 years of being divorced but nevertheless working in the same office daily for a substantial proportion of those years. I ask again - Do you all see why I'm a horrible, horrible dater??

HOLY RANDOMNESS - Blind date girl and I thought it was a funny coincidence that our dads were both in the same line of work (and we are both from Long Island, though that's no coincidence in NYC). Turns out, after a brief consultation with Papa LiAps, our dads were, in fact, very briefly, very many years ago, partners. My dad said, "Last night wasn't the first time you two have met - you played together as kids." As soon as he said it, I said "There's a picture of that, isn't there?" That's right, somewhere in my mom's archives, is a picture of me and blind date girl, at approx 2 years of age. And [drum roll]: blind date girl is NOT WEARING A SHIRT! I should be able to blackmail a few more dates out of her if I so desire. Talk about small world.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

2 Things, Then I Gots Ta Work

1) I have no idea how it happened, but, since last night, I cannot get Paula Abdul's "Forever Your Girl" out of my head. Somebody please tell me it's in some commercial or something, because if the track just started running in my brain sua sponte, I will be concerned.

2) I've come to the realization that the only way to get back at the country, and at W himself, is to bang Jenna. Anyone who can help, email me.

I lied - a third thing: This morning as I was walking to the subway, there was a homeless guy pushing his shopping cart around and yelling "Mariah Carey 2008!!" That's so crazy, it just might work . . .

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

The Day After

Have any of you seen it - the 1983 TV movie that I remember scaring the ever-loving shit out of 8-year-old LiAps?? Guess what folks? Today is not that day.

PLEASE don't get me wrong. I am horribly disappointed with the results of the election. Anybody who knows me could be under no misconception; I've said a million times that I am hard pressed to think of a human being I wouldn't have chosen over Bush to be president of this country. And I have some views that would be extremely unpopular with some of my more liberal democratic friends. I think the voters, like the bad guy in the Indiana Jones movie, chose . . . poooorly.

I am not looking forward to another 4 years of continuing erosion of civil liberties, economic preferences for those who need them least, and stupidity reigning supreme. I especially shudder at the effects that will likely live on for significantly longer than W's term as a result of the Supreme Court appointments W will inevitably be empowered to make as the current crop retire or drop. But I have to say, I am somewhat disheartened, and a little bit surprised, by the utter defeatism and naysaying and predictions of catastrophe coming from a lot of people -- friends, blogging companions and strangers.

Kerry lost. Democrats lost. But, apologies to Sloth, it is not a reason to hibernate, or to give up on the country as a whole. I have, historically, not been an intensely political person. I generally avoided getting into political discussions when possible, combined fear/self-consciousness based more on my self-perceived lesser knowledge of the issues than hesitance to express an unpopular opinion. (Though, how do you explain being a pro-choice, pro-death penalty, pro-gay rights, anti-affirmative action Democratish??)

This election was the first time I was motivated to participate in any meaningful way in the campaigning etc. etc. process. (I will post separately about my experience at the polls in Pennsylvania yesterday which was valuable to me, if likely useless to the world as a whole) I felt strongly enough about supporting Kerry (or, truth be told, opposing Bush), that I volunteered my time and services. I don't want a medal or any recognition, I'm just trying to make a point. The candidate who I supported, and who I truly believe would have made a better president, just didn't win. I will take some shit from my Republican friends. It's a lot more serious than taking shit when the Mets lose to the Braves. More was and is riding on this than a World Series trophy.

But they are not coming to get us. We are not going to be herded into ghettos and shipped off to concentration camps. It is not the end of the world. Though this country under Bush is not everything I wish it were, though I certainly do not agree with everything purportedly done in the name of the United States of America, though I sometimes hear the news and say "Jesus, you have got to be fucking kidding me!" it is not the end of the world.

It's borderline absurd, but I keep thinking of the post-9/11 mantra "The terrorists have won." You know, "If you don't fly to NY, see Les fucking Mis and buy the whole family $25 corned beef sandwiches at the Carnegie Deli (yes, Midwestern goys, they will make them on white bread with mayo for you), then the terrorists have won." Kerry conceding defeat in the election is one thing, but the people conceding defeat in their thoughts, feelings and beliefs is something altogether different, and unwarranted. If I were one of the AK-47 toting yokels who believed that we all just narrowly escaped the sure destruction of civilization as we know it that would have resulted from electing a baby-killing big government pol-ee-tishun from Taxachussetts, my smile might broaden just enough to expose one more black hole where a tooth should be at the thought of how resigned and flat devastated people seem to be.

I'm not on a "Fight the Power" mission here, I'm not advocating violent overthrow of the government. I'm not even saying people don't have the right to be upset. Maybe it was just that I didn't notice, or maybe the depression was overshadowed by righteous indignation and pissed-offedness 4 years ago, but this sense of doom and gloom feels different than anything I've ever experienced before. And it scares me about as much as anything Bush can do from the oval office.

Be upset. Pout. Have a few drinks. And then, tomorrow, believe what you believed before, believe it matters that you believe it, and feel free to keep calling W a moron.