Thursday, February 24, 2005

What Scares Me??

The length of some of the hairs I've been pulling out of my ears the past few years. I'm worried that if I don't obsessively pull them out, using fingers and/or tweezers (my first pair of which I purchased several months ago), I might end up looking like this guy.


Friday, February 18, 2005

Note to Mom

It's pronounced "Lee Opps."

Greg, we are totally even for the April Fools' edition of the law school newspaper.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Thank God

I haven't slept a lot this week, and I'm more than a bit stressed about all I have to do at work. Nevertheless, I was able to outsmart LeAnn Rimes. I would have been seriously upset if I lost to her. She was a funny looking little kid, and while she's grown into someone I'd totally bang, I couldn't accept knowing that she was smarter than me, on any scale, no matter how twisted.

Another Installment

of "Here's an Article LiAps Would Like to Have Written."

Come on - don't tell me you've never considered the issue!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Nothing Like

good news to start the day!!

I am going to die at 66. When are you? Click here to find out!

Thanks CL, for stopping by, and for linking me to hard evidence that my life is almost half over!!

Eerie, And Perfectly Timed

I passed by the receptionst during my office wanderings about 11:15 tonight, and she gave me a funny look, as if to say "Why are you here?" which would be a normal question at 11:15 anywhere but a NY law firm. I said, "What, Celeste? Like you've never seen me here at 11 before? I was just about to give you the whole 'Why am I here' speech from Spies Like Us!"

So I get home a little after midnight, and what's on HBO-Comedy?? Good guess! And just in time for one of the greatest lines in the movie, which nobody seems to have bothered to post online as a .wav file. I found the line that precedes it, but William Prince's inflection on his "Why don't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?" is just fucking fantastic. Seriously, I can't overemphasize how much I love that line. I have been known to say it out of the blue in entirely random situations. And I'm a loyal Coke drinker and stockholder!

Gotta sleep. 250-page brief to be filed Wednesday means likely all-nighter tomorrow!

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Seinfeld Lives

It doesn't compare to Jodi's Aunt Natalie, but I had a conversation worthy of an episode with my Grandma tonight. She asked me if I had eaten dinner yet. I said yes. We talked about something else for 45 seconds or so, then:

G: Did you ever make anything with the salsa?

Now, I start thinking, "Did my grandma buy me some salsa anytime in the past 5 years (or, more likely, buy some when it was on sale 7 years ago, and bring it to me 3 years post-expiration)?" But no, she wasn't referring to any particular salsa, she was just using "the" like old people do, for real. (Anyone remember that comedian who used to do the routine on old people - putting "the" in front of everything (his example was "the Pearl Jam") and drinking coffee with everything?) So I said, "What?"

G: You know. The salsa. We eat the salsa sometimes with the chips. But you know, you can cook with it too.

L: Uh huh.

G: Yeah. I bet the chicken would taste good with the salsa.

L: Yeah. When I eat chicken tacos, I put salsa on them.

G: Oh, well we don't really like that. But the salsa with the chicken. I might have to try that some time.

Now, keep in mind, all this came after her telling me the story of how her opthalmologist told her yesterday that he will remain her opthalmologist for 30 more days, but after that, he refuses to ever see her again. Nonstop fun, my family.


I really didn't want to, but I can't help it. I like Boston Legal. It is not just because of the hot chicks (but, say it with me, "that doesn't hurt.")

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Pup Asks, I Comply

Pup's Music Quiz, as answered by yours truly:

10 Random songs in your library

1. Kick My Ass – Big & Rich
2. White Wedding – Billy Idol
3. Pass the 40 – Black Sheep
4. Gimme No Crack - Shinehead
5. Please Come to Boston – David Allan Coe
6. Make Me Lose Control – Eric Carmen (AND I AIN’T AFRAID TO ADMIT IT!)
7. I’m Gonna Do You – Jungle Brothers
8. Waiting For Wednesday – Lisa Loeb (and, of course, Nine Stories)
9. Wickedest Man Alive – Naughty By Nature
10. She Don’t Use Jelly – Flaming Lips

1. What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
3.15 Gigs (878 songs) – I know, I need to load some more

2. The last CD you bought is:
Keith Urban – Golden Road

3. What is the song you last listened to before this message?
Legalize It – Cypress Hill

4. Five songs you often listen to or that mean a lot to you

NB: Hard, because most songs that “mean a lot to me” necessarily make me sad, so I’ll cheat, and use the “often listen to” part of the question. Since itunes keeps track of how many times each song is played (random shuffle my ass!), here they are – the songs played most on my ipod, according to itunes:

1. You Wreck Me – Tom Petty
2. U Mean I’m Not – Black Sheep
3. (9-Way Tie):
Call and Answer – Barenaked Ladies
Jesters, Dreamers, & Thieves – Edwin McCain
Nothing On But The Radio – Gary Allan
Forever – Kid Rock
Healing Hands – Marc Cohn
Back To The Grill – MC Serch
Prayin’ For Daylight – Rascal Flatts [If you don’t know this song, you should listen to it, and tell me what YOU think “Praying For Daylight” is code for: “The only thing that gets me through the night since you been gone” indeed!]
Buss’n Rocks – Snoop Dogg
Past the Mission – Tori Amos

5. Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?
Julie, & KtP – I like to know what music makes these ladies tick
Gooch – This guy cracks me up, and I need to know what to listen to to get that funny

A Whole Lot of Balls In the Air

In keeping with my sincere desire to keep my readers on top of all severed testicle-related news, I bring you the following:

Thu Feb 10, 9:56 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - A British woman was sentenced to two and a half years in jail Thursday for ripping off her ex-lover's testicle with her bare hands during a drunken brawl after he refused her sex.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage in May last year after Geoffrey Jones, 37, who had ended their long-term relationship, rejected her advances.
She grabbed him by the genitals, tearing off his left testicle, then hid it in her mouth before a friend of Jones handed it back to him saying "that's yours."
Monti, of Birkenhead, near Liverpool, pleaded guilty to unlawful wounding at an earlier hearing.

I particularly like the part about "Hiding" it in her mouth. I might try that next time I'm with a girl. "Quick, this isn't really mine - hide it in your mouth!"
Can't you just see the guy's friend - "Come on Amanda, cough it up now."

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Love That Confucius

If we don't change the direction we are headed, we will end up where we are going.

That's a Chinese proverb, according to my iced tea cap. And I like it.

Which is why I, today, announced my intention to change the direction I am headed. I told the powers that be at my firm that my last day there will be in early June. I have accepted an offer to serve a 1-year term as law clerk to a Federal District Court Judge here in NY. I've known for a few weeks, and technically didn't have to tell them until 4 weeks before (most people only give 2 weeks notice). But I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Don't get me wrong - I am still going to work like an animal for the 4 months I'm there. With a case going to trial next month, I will be abused in the customary fashion. But still. This clerkship is an awesome opportunity. In every way but financially, it will be great. So, other than struggling to get my head around the fact that I'm voluntarily taking a 67% pay cut, I'm really really psyched about this. It opens doors that are otherwise sometimes hard to open, and is great experience. The hours will certainly be more predictable and not nearly as crazy; I might have time to have a life. Which is scary, because once I don't have this job as an excuse, how do I justify being the last single guy on Earth (Earth being loosely defined as my group of friends)?

The clerkship doesn't start until September, so I'm essentially taking 3 months off. I've planned a trip to Asia - 3 weeks in Singapore, Hong Kong, and wherever else I choose to hop to. And some friends are getting married in that interim period, so there are weddings and bachelor parties to attend also.

I could write volumes about this decision (and maybe I will). But I'm tired, and have to meet a friend for breakfast at 6:45 am. I'm sure there will be more reflections on all this in future posts. For now, though, I'm much more excited than scared. Which is nice.

A True Fan

Well, at Least He Won't Be Fathering More Fans...
1 hour, 28 minutes ago

LONDON (Reuters) - A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles to celebrate Wales beating England at rugby, the Daily Mirror reported Tuesday.

Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off," the paper said.

Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking.

But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 yards back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done.

Huish was taken to hospital where he remained in serious condition, the paper said.

Wales's 11-9 victory over England at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff was their first home win over England in 12 years.

There's a joke floating around somewhere about the testicles ending up in the pickled egg jar on the bar, but I'm too nauseous to formulate it properly.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Tonight's LiAps Special

Tonight's LiAps Special

I am strangely attracted to cabbie Brenda Roman from tonight's Taxicab Confessions. And it is not solely because she wears numbered jerseys in several of the segments (though it doesn't hurt).

On a separate note, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle is fucking hilarious.

So now we all know what I did tonight, in between sending angry voicemails and emails to the people working with me on the case that will likely kill me before April. Who's jealous??

Saturday, February 05, 2005

I Tizzold Y'all!

It's abizzout tizzime. Needs ta fizzind somethin on the wizzeb? A'ight den. Clizzick dis bi-atch!

Mad props ta Rebel Dad (or, as I still call him, B-Real -- WestSIDE!!) fo brizzingin dis site to my atizzention.

Bizzest thizzing abizzout it - it's got a "translizzle" function. And it proves what the boys and I have been saying for years - you CANNOT snoopify the word "kiosk." Go 'head punk, try it. Ain't hizzapenin'!

Wow, that was a little much even for me. I hate myself a little right now.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Screw The Whales And The Highways

Put your money to good use - adopt a sniper! Do you have room in your home and your heart for a sweet, cuddly government-trained assassin who needs your help more than ever? Apparently, the College Republicans at Marquette University think you do. But BOOO!!!!! - the administration shut 'em down! How dare those Liberal Elitist Academic snobs try to put a stop to such a well-meaning charitable effort!! Since not everyone is lucky enough to be able to go out and take the lives of others (and let me tell you, it is fun to shoot some people!), the least the average college student should be able to do is show his or her support for such killings! And Marquette claims to be affiliated with a recognized religious group. Hah!

Don't let those bleeding hearts in Wisconsin stop you from doing all you can to ensure more bleeding hearts in the Middle East! Donate today. Please, they're counting on you.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Random Happiness et. seq.

1) No idea why, but I feel really good/happy/content right now. Don't worry. It'll wear off in a few minutes. Left work circa 6:30 tonight and went to two different departure parties for associates leaving my firm. Good for them.

2) It's official. The results are in. Worst smelling cab in NY - 3E32. Congrats shady driver who had no license displayed as required!!! I've been in a grillion cabs. And some of them smell really really bad. Really bad. This one though, was unreal. It smelled like shit. And, like Steve Martin, I don't mean it like an expression or nothin'. It didn't smell stale, or like B.O., or like strange ethnic food I don't understand. It smelled like shit. I would not have been the least bit surprised to have opened the door and seen, in the light, a big steaming pile of actual human shit on the floor of the cab. And, on top of that, his meter was totally running fast. It is NOT a $13.40 ride from Water St. just north of the Seaport to my apartment. It's OK. I'll expense it.

3) Something on the Daily Show just now was so funny, I wanted to make it number 3, and I can't remember what it was. Was it "Fox has Hitler" as its mascot?? Maybe. Fuck.

4) In the past week or so, I've made airline reservations for like 4 different trips - weddings etc. Man, my next credit card bill is gonna be ugly. Anyone wanna go to a wedding in Columbus, OH over Memorial Day weekend? Assuming I'm invited "& guest" and haven't met the woman of my dreams by then, feel free to submit essays of no more than 500 words detailing why you'd be my best option.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005


Did you see the dead Marine's mom get his dog tags tangled up in the sleeve of the proud Iraqi voter?

God, I don't have the time or the strength to comment on the SoU to the extent I'd like. I didn't see or hear the whole thing anyway. That visual, though, warranted a comment.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

On A Scale Of 1 to 10

with 10 being "full-on batshit crazy," how disturbed do you have to be to be dreaming about evil children? To be someone who NEVER remembers his dreams, but clearly recall that an evil little girl was trying to kill someone in your dream and you were trying to stop her. And it was all happening in a walkup apartment building where you lived several flights up, and the people below were renovating their whole apartment. Oh, and the evil little girl looks a lot like your ex-girlfriend's niece, who was quite possibly the cutest human being you've ever seen and so far from evil looking that Dakota Fanning would look like post-pea soup Linda Blair in comparison. And, finally, to have checked behind the shower curtain when you just went to the bathroom, having woken up terrified from said dream.

1 to 10.